Why the "UP" Competition is my Ultimate, Part 1: Comeback Kid
“So many times it happens too fast.
You trade your passion for glory.
Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past.
You must fight just to keep them alive...”
I'm writing this as an installment of different posts, in part, because there are so many facets to why participating in the upcoming Ultimate Painting Competition is truly ultimate for me. (Say that 6 times fast ;)
I believe October 14th was the first day I ever laid eyes on a Facebook post by one of my friends leading me to discover the UP competition. It's being held locally, but it appears to be an international happening, taking place in different locations around the US and Canada, if not more. I'm just learning about this competition myself, so I apologize for not being sure. This is just to say, there's a broader community to what I'm about to step into and be a part of. For more information, see here: http://ultimatepainting.com/about-up/
I am so grateful for this opportunity.
It's hard to explain why this competition means so much to me, but I can start by saying that, for me personally, it is not so much about the competing aspect or "winning" of it. If I looked at this opportunity purely for it's competitive aspects I wouldn't have chosen to sign up. Of course, getting voted up by my peers would be an awesome experience, but I'm not really in it for that.
So what am I in it for?
Part 1: I'm in it to win the battle!
Wait...didn't I just say that's NOT the reason I signed up?
I can explain. I haven't lost my mind. Well...maybe some would argue I have lost my mind, but that was long before now and what I'm attempting to explain here is not a manifestation of this.
***
In recent months I've been separated from my art, creating, and feeling connected. I've had painters block, potter's block, photographer's block, even writer's block as you can see from my sporadic trail journal entries. No poetry, no motion. Everything felt strained and at the breaking point. I was fighting against hopelessness, worn out and beat up consistently by my inner critic.
When I first saw the ad for the "UP" Competition, something leapt to life inside me. It startled the little girl in me who lives and loves to create, but more-so, it was the tiger within my soul whose job it is to protect her artistic heart that experienced the wake-up call.
It was like someone waving smelling salts under an inner beastly nose, waking me up to myself.
"I am still here! All my paints and supplies, all my passion...alive and rearing to go!" The door had been opened.
Even still, I battled within myself to go out and sign up. After all, I hadn't painted for so many months I couldn't remember how long it had been, and my hands hadn't touched raw clay since late spring. Actually, starting this website/blog was a way to try to feed the spirit in me I feared might turn into a zoo attraction with no sense of itself. I had felt the inner critic army coming before it fully arrived.
When my tiger eyes first opened, after learning about the competition, I was so excited I immediately went on a hunt for my yellow brave boots that had been lost in the space of several moves. When I found them I put them on, gussied them up and even took a photo.
But then...
I don't know what happened. The evil doubts still found their way in, even through those awesomely thick rubber soles of my coveted Doc Marten's.
So I sat on the opportunity to sign up, knowing that someone else so much better and more deserving than me would fill the spot where otherwise I might be. A real artist. This was my thinking, though I don't even subscribe to the idea of anyone else in the world not being capable of being a real artist! The despair of disconnect reserved only for me, Bah!
I let myself go. I fetched the woken tiger within some sleepy-time treats and went right back into into the cage and my non-moving groove. Yawn, shuffle, snif.
My feisty inner critic loved this. Scary to say, my inner critic(s) may be a tad resemblant of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
It's late and I might be letting too many metaphors into this post , admittedly, but I won't let it stop me from posting.
Because in the end the tiger inside me threw up those sleepy-time treats, escaped the confines, quit putting on a free picture show and came to save me from my own flames! I signed up to participate in a real, live painting competition, forcing me into victory with myself as the painter, sculptor, photo-maker, creator...Real Artist...that I am.
This competition is about facing some inner demons that try to keep me down and out from feeling free to be myself on this adventure of art and life. The demons that keep me from seeing color, that slip my brave boots off my feet without me noticing until my feet are raw and bloodied and I'm about to be thrown into the forever pit of Not Good Enough.
I'm the Comeback Kid!
“Risin’ up straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance
Now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive”
BRING. IT. ON!